Lame post, need sleep

It's that time of year. All the different greens, millions of them. Spring always makes me super aware of life, I don't know why. Maybe it's the new life you see everywhere you turn and how you kind of feel a little anxiety over the fact that it is going to pass all too quickly and it will be dark and cold before we know it. I have been waking up the last few nights with my heart pumping so hard. Afraid of dying? We are all going to die. Maybe that I am feeling this is a result of my guilt over not being as good a muslim as I could be. Maybe I am just depressed. This baby needs so much. And I knew he would, its just that I forgot. E is only 5 years old, I forgot already what it was like to have a baby. And, I guess when it gets difficult, I should remember how quickly this too will pass. I met a friend in the cafe today, she is due with her baby any day. I am so envious of that first moment that you hold your new baby, goo and all. It seems like so long ago. It went by so quickly. Ok, I am totally lame tonight. Saturday night. Memorial Day weekend. Pretty strange how your life changes. 6 years ago, I was probably getting shitfaced with my highschool buddies, not a care in the world; invincible. Now? My most erotic desire is to shower alone and sit in my bathrobe in the doorway sipping tea at 4am. My first baby saved my life. I got responsible. I started to care. I finally realized that the world did not revolve around me. I also started to grasp my own mortality. Funny, when my son was born I lived in a big apartment with a giant picture window that you could look through to an old cemetery, I spent many a breastfeeding moment pondering birth, life, and death. And sometimes it seems that all we do in this life is move this, go here, do that, all this: food to fuel, clothing to attract, work for money to get those things. All so we can get laid. Is that the meaning of life? We live, we fuck, we mulitply, we die. Hmmm, my husband will be home soon.

The Barista and the Rich Man

He's old, she's young, he's well off with adult kids, she is a single mother of 3. Yesterday he went with her to apply for food stamps. I am so glad that my friend is opening the eyes of this 50something friend. She works hard and like she said she is "the face of poverty stricken America" I love to see this breaking down of barriers between social classes. She has gained insight into his life as well, and both have turned out less judgmental of the other "kind" of person. Another eyeopener? Yesterday my husband brought me the baby to nurse while I was working. He sat in the car for a few minutes in shock to see me filling up my arms and working my way through my second cord of wood. Later he told me "You don't see this in my country, I was thinking 'I need to stop her and do it instead, but she's working, but how can I let her do this?' " And the great reward was that after all this arguing for the last year about what a woman "should" be, he made a few references to me being a "real" woman last night while he was giving me a massage Maybe there is hope for us with regard to our differences in gender expectations. I wear a skirt occassionally, and he tells me I look beautiful in pants occasionally. Ahhhh, compromise. It is the only thing that makes marriage last.